It all ends up on the internet

More people then I ever thought are reading this blog. When I first started writing this blog, my dad suggested that I do it in order to remember the stories and memories I had as I lived in France. I looked at it as my internet memory. So, for a while, I was just posting assuming maybe a few friends and my parents would be reading. But, more than anything, it would be something that I would be able to refer back to in 10 or 20 years and say, "oh yeah I forgot I did that." Over time, as my became more familiar with life here and wasn't traveling very much, I started to write about feelings, emotions and thoughts I was having at the time. I do tend to spend a good deal of time in my head, so I guess it was a natural progression to go from stories of events to fleshing out of thoughts in words. In so doing, my blog became more personal. I began to reveal more personal things, my thoughts and emotions. Almost simultaneously, I started getting more readers. My dad said he had been sharing the link with some of his friends, a few of my high school teachers got the address, and then I made the big move of putting my posts up on Facebook. I didn't realize the magnitude of the effect of Facebook, but suddenly I started having a lot more readers and from different sources then before. Of course, I am sure that the readers from this new source, if they are reading it, know what I am talking about. For those of you who are reading this and don't know, other teachers at my lycee started to read the blog as well. Suddenly, I was almost frightened by the personal nature of what I had begun to reveal in my blog and how many people had access to it, and when I had originally written those blogs, I didn't think certain people would ever find it. I didn't write anything to incriminating, but Alixe and I did have a good laugh because I referred to Myriam as "attractive and maybe 24 or 25." (Alixe and Myriam are two teachers I work with).
I was just reflecting though on how strange it is to have people reading things that you have written and then discussing it with him. On a superficial level, it is quite flattering. And, to continue revealing more personal emotions, it also makes me a bit insecure. I tend to be a fairly critical person, and most often, I am critical of myself. As soon as I realized how many people had access to my writing and my thoughts, all I could think of was how well I had written the story, or did I communicate my point effectively, how bad was my French grammar on the few occasions I used, etc. I am most certainly to blame for people reading it because I did post it on Facebook and the internet, but the insecure side of me always thought, "well sure, you could put it on Facebook, you could put it on the front page of the New York Times, but people still won't really read it."
In the end though, I am quite proud that my blog is gaining a wider audience. Not because I feel I have anything particularly brilliant or insightful to relate, but it does give me a different medium for communication and one that I can reflect on longer before I put it out into the world. I am also thankful that it only picked up a wider audience much further down the road. I had time to work on my writing some, get used to the format and regularity of writing before a broader audience could read it. Those who started reading later could see a progression (hopefully, if nothing else just by pure practice) of my writing and ability to express myself. And, I always appreciate the comments because I do like to know who is reading this and I don't care if you feel like a stalker because I didn't personally tell you about the blog, I wouldn't have put it on my facebook if I didn't want people to read it and respond to it!